Physician Healer
Expectations
We are always at odds with what we expect from ourselves and what we expect from others. We are constantly comparing ourselves to others. We are also heavily influenced as to how we perceive ourselves through the eyes of others. Where do expectations begin and end? Are they valid aspects of our lives? We are certainly driven by them but do they really matter in the short time we are all here on this earth? What if what we want does not meet the expectations of another? What if what others want does not fulfill us or we believe their desires for us are flawed? How do we solve this dilemma or is this just a question lacking merit because expectations are nothing more than demands from the egoic mind, the infamous mental chatter that convinces us what life should be when in reality, the soul yearns for something deeper, more personal, more true to the purpose of why we are all here?
A few days ago a friend made a comment to me that his college buddy decided in his 60’s to close his small business after 32 years and relocate to Georgia to pursue a music career. He knew back in the day that his passion was jazz piano but he ended up going into marketing and opened up his own business. His friend told him that now that the kids were grown, his wife wanted to be closer to family in Atlanta, so they decided to make the move. With a disapproving expression, he then stated that if it were him, he would never do that because of his age now (he’s just in his early 50’s); he just couldn’t see himself starting over. That was how he described his friend’s journey to follow his passion — “starting over.” I reflected upon what he just said to me and found it fascinating that he would think of his friend’s change of venue likened to the chore of starting over. I had a completely opposite take on his friend’s decision. I felt excited for him. To me, he wasn’t starting over. He was one of the lucky ones listening to his heart. He was moving forward, doing something new in his life, learning something new, but most importantly, he was feeding his soul. As humans, our soul is here to grow, not to remain stagnant in some mundane comfort zone.
Rev. Michael Beckwith says that the universe moves forward with or without us because the universe is progressive. If we choose not to expand and progress with it, then we actually move backwards and regress. He believes that this is when we start to feel the pain of life, which could be physical or emotional — depression, tiredness, frustration, disappointment, anger, resentment, or jealousy. Because while the egoic brain is keeping us back, keeping us in our small story, convincing us that life of never-ending sameness is fine as it is, as I’m working the hours at my job, I’m getting a paycheck, I’m having regular vacations, etc., but in the quiet of the night when we are tossing and turning and lying awake staring at the ceiling, there is a deep pain of emptiness, like an enlarging hole inside the heart and spirit that yearns to be fed. We feel something is missing. What if we died today never having tried something we’ve only thought about in our daydreams? How about all the things we haven’t done or seen or experienced because they always end with “I just wish I had more vacation time,” or “I just wish I didn’t have to work so much,” or “I just wish I had a few more days off to spend with my family,” or “ I just wish I had more free days to enjoy my favorite hobby that I’ve tossed aside for years.” Once we accept the pull of the soul to leap forward, the pain resolves and we are in alignment once more with our passion and purpose in this lifetime.
Another friend of mine reminded me that none of us are here to judge others. She said that people have the right to do whatever they want with their lives. If they want to change, they can and if they don’t, they don’t, and that’s fine, too. I absolutely agree. It is not my place to convince people of anything because we all have our own journeys with their own timetables. Maybe it is not their time yet. Maybe they will never wake up but continue to believe this limited life is all that there is for them. Maybe they’ve convinced themselves or don’t see that there is anything wrong with their lives. In my defense, I really wasn’t judging. I was merely reporting what I observed because it interests me what makes each of us different other than the obvious. I’ve watched over the years the expressionless life of my friend. Sure, he’d crack a chuckle or 2 if the joke was funny enough. One day I asked him if he was happy at his work. He said he was neither happy nor unhappy, but it was ok. Work was just work, a means to an end from which he gets paid a lot. He said he can’t complain since the money was good. Weekends for him are those days he designates for relaxation and he may go somewhere and spend time with his kids away from home. Scheduled vacation times are also designated days for relaxation but he can go to farther places. When I listened to him explain all that, I just felt this numbness travel through my body. But then, I think about how he lives is how most people do.
There are days when I think about what motivates me to take certain leaps. All I can remember is feeling a push that comes not from the physical world where we exist here but outside of that and it is felt flowing through me. It is kind of hard to explain. There is first a feeling of restlessness as if wherever I was was no longer where I needed to be. Then, I get these images in the mind and directions to take a series of actions. I find myself carrying out these actions as if they were my ideas, but then I think, if they were my ideas, why didn’t I think of them sooner? The ideas also are not attached to any compelling reason either. However, as soon as I commit to one action after another, help from the universe arrives in the form of unexplainable situations that defy logic facilitating each action. People and events come out of nowhere to offer me a hand to make sure everything works out just so. As much as I’ve been a meditator for some years now, I still miss cues from the universal force. Usually, this is when there is too much noise in the head causing me to doubt and worry, and the egoic bodyguard mind is chattering away, asking me too many questions, raising too many fearful issues and pulling me into the past or propelling me into the future. There are times I do forget to slow down a bit and take some deliberate deep breaths. My life is a mixture of kensho and satori moments, which define a concept of the difference between growing through pain and growing through insight, respectively, according to Michael Beckwith. Kensho effects change via closing your restaurant down, foreclosing your house, death of a family member or friend, etc. Satori effects change via hints from the universe through meditation, whispers during deep reflection and listening to the voice of your inner being.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned throughout my own journey is that instead of expecting the unexpected, I just need to release the act of expecting. After all, expectation is nothing more than harboring the illusion that we control the events in our lives, that we control what we want and what we don’t want. We really don’t. Seriously, we don’t have a saying in this. Expectation is about setting our own time for an action to occur while the universe has its own time and agenda and then getting upset when what we want to see happen didn’t happen. Why, were you expecting it to? Of course, we can all come up with reasons, but whose to say whose reasons are better? That’s a judgment call. Most of the time we can only understand our reasons, never other people’s. Whatever the universe has in store for all of us, there is a reason, but we are not obligated to understand it. If we try, we will always be disappointed.
A life lived well and lived at ease requires that we become fully present in every moment. It is to simply observe the fact that we are breathing, that our heart is beating and that we are alive. It is to understand that whatever is going on this very moment is all there is and all there ever is. It is a space that we hold and is held for us. Anything else that is outside of the present time is the past and the future and neither is accessible to any of us. Most importantly, every moment that we can, our only responsibility is to look inside of us and around us and be grateful for what we have and what we are right now. To be grateful and accept what-is right now are gifts that we can give ourselves to transform and evolve.
Lastly, between the one individual who lives a seemingly comfortable, predictable and controlled, regimented life that doesn’t offer much buffering room and the one gallivanting off to satiate his soul’s passionate hunger for music, I choose the latter. No judgment here, just thriving outside the box. I’ll listen to my soul any day of the week and twice on Sundays.
Some housekeeping notes:
Last week, I received some questions in my email regarding meditation and how to get answers to problems via meditation, so let me briefly address these here. And, thank you for the questions, by the way.
1) How long should I meditate? — When you’re starting out for the first time, it depends how much time you are able to set aside. You can start out with 10 or 15 minutes once or twice a day. It is helpful to stick to a regular daily schedule if possible. Michael Beckwith suggests to work your life around your meditation, rather than trying to fit the meditation into your schedule. This actually comes naturally after 2 to 3 months. Remember that it takes approximately 66 days for a new habit to become installed — Robin Sharma. On a side note, I began my meditation practice as a 100-day challenge. 5 weeks into it, I noticed how my life changed dramatically, it was something I looked forward to, so my life did end up revolving around the meditation.
2) What if I fall asleep during meditation? — This is called Medi-sleep and is considered a very restorative sleep. I suggest sitting up in a comfortable position and avoid leaning your head against a pillow. Some instructors suggest sitting a bit uncomfortably to avoid falling asleep, but I find that the eventual discomfort distracts from the meditative experience.
3) Initially, I noticed I was receiving so much insight and answers after each time I meditated. Now, I don’t notice anything is happening. Am I doing something wrong? — At first, I experienced the same and the changes in my life, the “Aha” moments were many and dramatic. As time went on, I was able to sit for longer periods of time, 2-4 hours some days, but then afterwards, it seemed as though nothing came through. This is because if you’ve been meditating for a long time, your mind, body and spirit just automatically connect and become aware of the space of being present. But, trust me, things are happening inside and you will notice this when you come up with answers and solutions at a drop of a hat and you start to notice that you are at the right place at the right time more often than not.
4) How do I know when to stop meditating? — You can set a soft timer. It is best not to jolt yourself out of meditation. Instead, gently come out of it gradually. If you don’t set a timer, you can use your inside voice to ask your body if it is ready. The answer should be a quiet “Yes.” If you hear a lot of noise or mental chatter telling you you’ve just wasted your time and that you cannot afford to sit any longer, that is a sign that you should extend your meditation a few minutes longer until the chatter stops.
5) I can’t seem to clear my head during meditation. When I see thoughts in my head, I kick them out. What should I do? — It is important to remember that meditation is not about clearing your mind. It does it automatically if it is supposed to at that time. Meditation is about allowing whatever needs to come through, come through. Your job is to just observe. You will find that as soon as the thought materializes and you look at it, it will leave. Remember that thoughts are leaving, not coming in.
Thank you for reading. Until next time, remember to journal daily
-your winning moves,
-your next action plans,
-your dreams if you remember them,
-what you’re grateful for,
-how to increase more “being” and less “doing,”
-and at what capacity your passionate work can be of service to others.
With love and gratitude,
Celeste Amaya, MD
