Making The Right Decisions
Hindsight loves to harass us on a daily basis, causing us to second guess every choice we make. Everyday, we make decisions, from ones that are seemingly trivial to those that hold monumental, life-changing significance. This afternoon as I stared out my window, my mind drifted to all the different decisions I’ve had to make over the years and even in just the last few weeks. And, of course, I’ve got ones on which I’m riding the fence that I have still yet to make. I reflected upon those that were easy, no-brainers and those that took me weeks, months or sometimes even longer. How can we guarantee that any choice we make is the right one? At times we know intuitively and at other times, it seems like a confusing draw.
Over time, one of my personal favorites has become 3 little words, “I don’t know.” Of course, our old controlling and fearful egoically-minded bodyguard is mortified. It’s actually ok to not know what to do sometimes. Think about that for a moment. Comedian-turned-personal growth instructor, Kyle Cease, tells us that sometimes the best answer to any question or problem is to freely admit that you don’t know. It is only then that you begin to open yourself up to a vast array of possibilities.
He brings up the example of the driver being lost and won’t admit it. So, the car keeps going the wrong way, taking the wrong turns until at some point, the driver admits, “I’m lost.” Only then, do we see the car pull over to stop and get proper directions.
Interestingly enough, when I began to pay attention to my mental chatter, I discovered that I have another voice that frequently and unashamedly mumbles, “I don’t know” a lot or “I’m not sure.” These phrases have been quite liberating as they free my mind of the constant back and forth bickering that goes on. It’s as though committing to the fact that I don’t know opens my mind to then receive new ideas that didn’t occur to me before. Talking to yourself is no longer that much of a taboo anymore. In fact, no one knows the answers to our questions better than we do. Yet, we tend to give up our privilege to choose more often than we care to admit.
For instance, what happens when we go out to a restaurant with friends and the first thing we do is ask everyone what’s good here and what they’re getting. Then, we proceed to “have the same” as they are. I thought about this the other day and wondered if I had ever done that. I laughed when I was able to recall that yes, I have done the exact same thing more times than not.
Many other decisions in life that have to be made, however, are obviously more important than what to order on a menu. Some decisions have the power to change our current or future situation. And, in the quiet of the night when we face the demons in our head, we second guess ourselves and wonder if certain decisions were right or if another option could’ve been chosen.
The reality is we are never completely sure about any of the choices we make because we can only guess at the possible or probable outcome. The flaw is that most of our decisions are based on what our projected future desire is, which is how we are taught. Spiritual literature speaks more about deciding from “the heart” and not from the head. Connected to the heart are the things about which we are passionate, yet in this society, we are mostly encouraged to abandon the heart as if it had no say-so and to follow the strategic mind. This is a mistake. How many times do we catch ourselves saying,
”I just can’t seem to wrap my head around this,” or “I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around this.”
If we remember that egoic bodyguard mind we have, the one who craves and spreads fear, frustration, anger, worry and regret, then we are aware that the last thing we ought to do is wrap anything with our minds. The key to making the right decision always lies in the heart.
Many folks, including family, friends, and patients have asked me how they can stay more grounded and focused before making any life-altering decisions. I always tell them the secret is always how regular your meditative practice is. And, as much as it may sound like a broken record, I have witnessed this over and over again, that the best decisions are made when the mind is clear of noise and clutter, free of emotion.
As for myself, I find that if I am agonizing over an issue for which I am struggling to find a solution, I actually have to stop thinking and strategizing because that keeps me in my head. A concept that illustrates the futility of problem solving in this manner is to imagine a 3rd grader trying to solve a 4th grade math problem. You can’t do it because neither you nor your classmates are in the 4th grade. (Kyle Cease). You have to rise above that, get to higher ground, and level up to 4th grade before you can decide on a solution.
Another example is while you are immersing yourself in a lake, you create ripples and disturb the water in many ways, yet you are trying to decide on a solution to stop the movement in the water. It won’t work because you’re attempting to solve a problem (ripples) at the same level in which it was created (you are the one in the water creating the ripples). You would need to take yourself up to higher ground (get out of the water) in order to find the solution.
Of course, the notion of taking yourself to higher ground is metaphorical, symbolic of the higher state of conscious awareness you attain when there is higher commitment of time spent in reflection and meditation.
Although every moment that I make decisions, I am very aware of the concepts previously mentioned, I still find it challenging to do so. I want to be sure I make the right decision, but there’s a fear I’ll choose wrongly because I can’t see the future consequences of my decision.
On the other hand, we are advised that if we desire a specific outcome then we must take a leap of faith as long as it is linked to our passions. Our egoic mind bodyguard wants to keep us in the comfort zone and so we can see what we will lose but never all that we will gain. It keeps us in fear so that we stay in our small story, because any change will mean death to the ego. In order for the new to come, the old has to leave to make room.
Spiritual instructor Michael Beckwith adds that in every present moment we are making a decision, we can only see the very next step in front of us but never the entire path. To further explain, I see it as there is no way to draw out the entire path with the destination illustrated clearly due to the fact that each step we decide to take has the power to alter the final destination.
Career decisions can be one of the toughest, for instance, whether to accept a new position at a different place, say yes to a promotion at the same place, or venture out on your own to start a project that you’ve always wanted to do. There are obvious risks to all 3 scenarios but to varying degrees depending on how far away from the comfort zone each of them are. There is a popular sentiment that states,
”Nothing good ever comes out of the comfort zone.”
Why? Because, comfort is familiar and familiar breeds sameness, which means boredom. I have read the following quote that whenever you say you are bored, it’s not that things are boring; it is because you are boring.
Lately, I’ve laid down some rules to guide me in making decisions. I am aware that there are no right or wrong answers. I no longer call up friends or family to ask for advice. If I am puzzled about something, I meditate and wait for an answer. If I rush, I’m in my head strategizing and the ego influences me erroneously. I have stopped asking “how” because the “how” comes when I’ve taken that leap into the unknown. Somehow the universe just takes care of everything. Although there is no right or wrong per se (right and wrong are labels we create in our egoic mind), the “right” decision always comes from a place of passion, love, and heart.
They say if we choose to take that leap, to do whatever it is that brings us passion, and if all that corresponds to what the universe has in store for us, then there is an alignment, and all these people seemingly out of nowhere just show up to help us, allowing problems to dissolve and then everything just gets handed to us on a silver platter. This illustrates how the benevolent universe conspires in our favor. We experience this phenomenon as everything just “works out.” Our life becomes “magical” as they say.
The last method I use which has been instrumental in many of the things on which I’ve embarked is the 5-second rule. Whenever I’m not sure about which way to go and my brain feels heavy, I know I’m in my head. So, I pose a simple question out loud,
“Should I choose plan A or plan B?”
Then, I give myself 5 seconds. If an answer is not forthcoming within that time, I have to wait and ask it again another time preferably after I’ve sat with myself in silence for an hour or more. Whatever I decide within the 5 seconds is always the correct answer as it depends on gut instinct, that inexplicable intuitive ability we all possess.
If within the 5 seconds I do decide on an option, but find myself offering excuses and explanations to choose the other, the latter is from the ego justifying the “wrong” choice. Our first decision is always the one to follow. And, if some time down the road you discover that you should’ve chosen the other, it is an egoic illusion instigating regret and disappointment. This is why stress is a self-induced illusion. Because, we really do always have a choice.
I do try to remember that 20-20 hind-vision is not always so clear as I once believed. It resides as part of the ego. The universe always gives us what we need and not always what we want; however, I have found that many times, it takes many months to years later before I realize that if those events I labeled as “bad” didn’t happen, I would not have the blessings today that actually originated from those “bad” things.
Transformational tasks:
1) Whether you have been journaling since the beginning or you’re just learning about it, remember that journaling is a pivotal tool in helping us clarify and facilitate changes within ourselves. Studies have shown that the action of writing down our thoughts on paper has significant impact on reprogramming certain habits we wish to unlearn.
2) There are many ways to journal and my suggestions represent just one of many ways this can be accomplished. I have found that the most effective use of the journal is not to use it as a diary but to structure it as to write down perhaps 5-10 things for which you are grateful as soon as you awaken in the morning. In the evening before bedtime, read what you have written and add to what you’ve written earlier if more gratitudes come to mind. Remember to “feel” grateful.
3) If you remember dreams, whether it is just one or part of one, this can provide insight into some aspect of your life. For example, there is a story about sewing machine inventor, Elias Howe, who supposedly came up with the needle design from a dream he had, in which he was being attacked with spears that had a hole at the distal end or sharp point of the spear.
4) Again, I normally recommend avoiding using the journal to complain. Complaining is not transformative and does not contribute to personal growth. Complaints or dredging up any past woes keep us from our true purpose and potential. They are generated by the egoic mind and serve to reinforce our stuckness in the past. Instead, if you mention something you feel could be improved, you can say that something is not where it could be “yet” and then follow that with an idea or plan you can install in the upcoming days to change it, how you can level it up.
5) The same applies to setting goals. Firstly, be clear about what you’re wanting to achieve (it should be something that you’re passionate about) and then write what specific actions you would take to facilitate the change. Remember to keep in mind that goals are used to set the direction on your GPS. Once you start taking appropriate steps, goals are to be released. Sometimes goals are double-edged swords. They can give you focus on one hand but if they cause you to be unyielding to what the universe is trying to show you, then it can also limit your vision to looking through a tunnel.
6) If you haven’t already started, begin setting aside time to sit in quiet meditation (one hour or 2 half hour sessions). As I have mentioned in previous publications, there are many ways to meditate. My suggestion is just one way; however, in the last several years, I have observed that individuals who participate in “active or movement” meditation remain anxious and report challenges managing their stress levels. I have found that many folks have a hard time sitting still, saying that their minds just keep going and won’t quit. Remember that although the noises seem to arise from your brain, they are not your thoughts. When that happens to me, I normally will ask a question out loud, such as,
”Who’s talking up there? Is that you, egoic bodyguard? Are you helping me take out the trash?”
Lately, if I find myself plagued by memories of the past or worries about the future, I’ve been adding the following (Eckhart Tolle),
”I wonder what my mind will show me next!”
Saying this has been quite effective in immediately removing all the mental chatter inside my head. It keeps your attention waiting at the present moment. I’ve used it many times this week especially when that ego annoyingly keeps going on about things I can’t change or playing out different scenarios of how past events could’ve changed if only I did this or that. Or, this method shuts down the constant noise triggering endless worries about some future outcome unrealized.
Finally, everyday I am asked what programs I would recommend to begin learning about meditation practice. I find that the simplest ones are the best to get started. Remember that there are many programs out there but you may find the following helpful:
Kyle Cease Guided Meditation YouTube
Headspace Meditation Netflix series
Headspace Android/iPhone app
Mindvalley Meditation YouTube
Calm Android/iPhone app
Until next time, thanks for reading!
Celeste Amaya, MD
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