Physician Healer

Issue 20 Universal Conspiracy

Universal Conspiracy

I am still processing all that has transpired and is currently happening and unfolding with my ongoing journey, both emotional and physical, both equally as personal. Whether or not I am followed or my example is followed, my path remains distinctly and intimately my own. There is nothing more frightening than the unknown. I am also the only one feeling my own fears and doubts. Any questions I have remain distinctly my own. This is not about being possessive. It’s about owning who I was, who I am, and who I will become.

But wait, all that I just said—the emotion, the fear of the unknown, the separation of our identity with respect to time—aren’t these all illusions put on display by the ego for our benefit? They are not real. Everything we find ourselves worried about is just a trick of the ego. This is what Eckhart Tolle calls the “unconscious” or the “manifested.”

Whenever we are conscious and aware, the unmanifested state is to be joy, to be love, and to be peace. These 3 states are not considered to be emotions. They are states of being. They reside within all of us as our natural state of how we exist. Emotions require a reason, an outcome. Despite all the introspective work and the soul searching, I do sometimes get caught in the egoic train that goes to nowhere, forgetting that the ego’s urgency is misplaced.

Our job daily is to control the ego and remember that there is only stress and anxiety our mindset is to “get” instead of “let” or that things have to be a certain way. And, the ego does a superb job of convincing us we need to feel anxious and we need to worry because the unknown outcome is just too scary to leave to chance, so we spend an inordinate amount of time running through scenarios only to discover that whichever way it naturally turned out was the way it was meant to happen at the end. And. we had no control over it whatsoever.

They say that moving one’s place of residence is in the top 5 of most stressful events that we can experience. As far as I know, usually when we move, the relocation is planned out and thorough research is completed before the monumental feat is carried out. We afford ourselves time to familiarize ourselves with the destination. This has not been the case at all in my situation.

Having what seems to be an ideal job opportunity pop up out of nowhere, located in a place to where I never thought of moving, without any idea that this city even existed (today, in conversation with a couple of patients, I learned more about this place and discovered that the population was very similar to the folks for whom I have cared the past 22 years), is unnerving to say the very least. However, with more information at hand, part of my new comfort zone is beginning to take shape.

All I still suspect is that some force of the universe had plans to move me all along; just how long she has planned this, I don’t know. After all, who in their right mind would uproot after making one place a home for 22 years? One must be crazy. I grew up in California and have always considered CA my home. Although I spent close to 10 years in Philadelphia during which time I finished med school and residency, I ended up returning home to CA. My childhood friends, as well as many friends I have met as an adult are still here. And then, I heard the voice in my head,

”Home is where the heart is.”

Wow. Was that my egoic bodyguard talking to me without fear, without frustration?

No sooner had I heralded the brilliance of the ego than it began its interrogation. It wanted explanations. It wanted reasons. It screamed control. Had I done all that I could to stay and save the practice? How can I move to a place about which I know nothing? How can I move to a place where I don’t know anyone? How do I know this is the right thing to do? What if it doesn’t work out? What will I do then? How am I going to find a place to live in the 4 short days that I am there? How would I know if this is even the right decision? And then, from sitting still in my own silence, I hear,

”It is all meant to be. Why are you worried? We have your back. We’ve always had your back. There is a reason for what you think is madness. Trust in the process. Trust in your journey. This is the way your life is unfolding. Just surrender to the knowing. You are exactly where you need to be. You were made to be hidden and invisible where you’ve been because you were supposed to be found by a different place. Did you really believe that you were unimportant or just meant to be seen by the right people at the right time?”

My immediate thought was that if this was the universe talking and that all this was their doing, then it stands to reason that everything connected to my relocation should carry out effortlessly. Well, then, the most important first step is to secure a place to live at my new destination. Sure enough, miraculously, places became available within 2 days with incredible ease. We couldn’t believe it. It was as if someone took my hand and guided me. So, now, I can feasibly begin to move forward. The next step will be closing the physical and emotional chapter in the old phase of life, literally and figuratively speaking, which my family will have to take charge of in my absence. I told my family not to worry because if the universe is moving us then help for the rest will come. I can’t wait to see what else unfolds.

At first, I felt sadness pass over me as I processed all these tremendous changes. The ego fooled me into a false reflection. I remembered that some patients had been with me since I started here in 1999 and that I had grown to care for and love them all. My egoic mind insisted on making sense of my current situation and began to painstakingly trace all the steps I had taken. I felt as if I was under egoic scrutiny.

Had I taken steps to remind the community I was still here? Check. I sent letters out to all the specialists; I submitted magazine and local newspaper articles; I conducted speaking engagements through various arrangements and invitations; I put out podcasts and volunteered teaching at a school; I opened up meditation clinics and workshops to help educate and empower the patients.

Interestingly enough, in the past few days, I was informed by several patients that they had told all of their friends to establish care with me as they felt they were not getting the attention and care they needed. Many of them have lived in the desert for years and swore they had never heard of me. My patients admitted they were taken by surprise by their response, but didn’t think more of it.

Their report confirmed conversations I had with other patients recently. One patient told me that although she had resided in the desert for years, she, too, had never heard of me. In fact, she had been very ill for a long time and was desperate to find a physician who could finally help her after going through many of the local physicians here. She explained that she must’ve done many searches on-line one day and got nothing. The next day, she decided to ask God for help and then she began her search again. This time, my name and picture came up. She thought I was new in town. When she discovered that I had been here for years, she was completely shocked. How was this possible? How had she never heard of me?

To this day, she constantly and kindly shares with me how grateful she is that I was instrumental in helping her resolve her illnesses completely when none of the other physicians could help her. Her story brought tears to my eyes. I was grateful for her story and felt her tremendous relief and peace. When she asked me if perhaps I neglected to advertise, I told her that I had given it due diligence. She was speechless. She agreed that it almost appeared that I had been hidden away somehow and that only my existent patients knew me. When I shared this story with a friend last week, her take on my situation peaked my curiosity as it confirmed my gut suspicions.

”It sounds like you’ve done everything right. I came across something that talked about if you’ve done everything correctly and you don’t get the desired results, you have to consider that maybe you’re not in the right location.”

I nodded and felt this light bulb go off. What she said resonated with me like it made sense to me somehow. In all of the personal growth and spiritual education along with my meditative practice, to which I have committed myself for the last 6 years, I understood clearly what she was saying.

At that moment, I knew that I did not have to answer to my ego-bodyguard. The ego keeps us in fear, makes us doubt ourselves and the decisions we make from the heart. It prevents us from accepting what-is and to go with the flow. I have sat with myself in meditation longer these days, allowing answers to come to me without forcing them to come. In trying to “find” the “right”answers to go in the “right” direction, I realize that this was just the ego strategizing in its attempt to wrap its head around this whole disruption of the comfort zone.

All of the questions and doubts that were rising up were just indications of a fear-based ego, the bodyguard-mind always ever afraid that I will fire him if he cannot convince me of some imminent danger going on in my life. So, at one point, I released my frustration, told the ego I was no longer interested in its line of questioning and preferred to listen to the music inside. Our internal music guides us to live in a reality that is felt beyond the confines of our 5 senses.

In this last week, I realized that the universe does have my back and guides me by what my heart tells her. Robin Sharma always says that vague goals lead to vague outcomes. Well, I decided to be clear with my goals but not specific. I have consistently written in my journal for the last year that I would love to live by or near the water but removed specific places. I wrote that I wanted to be at a place where I could be of service to lots of people, teaching them all that I know to empower them about healing. I wanted to continue to write and spread all that I have learned and will continue to learn.

Lastly, since my childhood encounter with what I believed to be my guardian angels, I have continued to believe in them. And, I continue to freely ask for their guidance and assistance on a daily basis. All this can have a way of sounding crazy to the average person, but I have come to believe that nothing happens randomly and there is no such thing as coincidences. These excuses only serve to distance us from a life we are meant to have, one lived with ease and in peace, in which we just know that we have more than enough, that we are more than enough, and that we are complete as we are.

Einstein once said that he believed that the universe was neither hateful nor indifferent but was benevolent. When we realize that life is not about us but about the lives of others we touch, there is no anxiety, no fear, no worry or frustration. Our lives then become free of the daily dramas that get us neither here nor there. When we wake up each morning and ask how we can be of service to others, we become closer to source. We become more present in the moment and not bogged down by the past or the future.

Much of the spiritual literature from the past and the present talks about surrendering to whatever is going on in the present moment, that every answer and solution are already within us. We just need to be quiet enough to hear it. Even the current leaders in personal growth and development encourage us to adopt this premise. As long as what we do on a daily basis is aligned with our passion to help others, the universe conspires to give us what we need and sometimes, not always, it is the same as what we want.

Everyday I do my best to remember to be with nature and to pay attention to everything that is going on around me. I am mindful that success is not just about finances; I see many wealthy individuals who are bitter, are constantly comparing themselves to others, and are unable to be happy for others. It is because deep down, they are not happy with themselves. This is just something I’ve observed repeatedly without judgment. True success is about playing your A-plus game in your mind, heart, health and soul. Although Robin Sharma’s benchmark is quite high, I have found that just modifying the daily steps is enough to help me navigate out of the old familiar comfort zone and to continue to make changes daily to move forward.

Each day gets easier for me. The secret is to try. The time I spend in meditation connects me to myself and to the universe or source. I am not asking or wishing for anything or any outcome. I meditate and expect nothing in return. I find that if there is too much noise or there are too many questions in my head, I know it is my ego meddling and I release it right away and remind myself the solution is here and will be made available to me when I am ready. As I observe and live this life unfolding before me, I now know that the universe does indeed conspire, not against us but always with and for us.

Remember to sit quietly in meditation every day for 30 to 60 minutes to connect with your heart and beyond yourself.

Journal your gratitudes and wins. Write down what small next step of change you can implement to grow.

Journal your dreams if you remember them. They can provide personal insight.

Stretch and move your body for 10-20 minutes once or twice daily.

Eat whole foods and choose organic if you can.

Hydrate your body adequately first thing in the morning.

Say your gratitudes as soon as you open your eyes in the morning and right before you close your eyes at night.

Treat with curiosity whatever event you have labeled as unpleasant to turn a negativity into a lesson from which you can learn.

Thank you for reading. If you found this issue insightful, please share with friends and family and kindly comment. Questions are welcome. For more information check out www.desert meridian.com

Much love and gratitude,

Celeste Amaya, MD