Physician Healer

Issue 23 Death To The Old Story

Death To The Old Story

Most of us don’t really take time to sit back and take a day-by-day, heartfelt look at our lives, to review all that has happened or is happening. Do we remember to take time and ask ourselves if we are doing what calls to our heart? Each week seems to pass quickly and many have told me that they just can’t wait to get through the day, let alone the week. And then, they can’t wait to “get through the week” to exclaim, “Thank God it’s Friday!”

Then, we get together on the weekend, complain and file our grievances about the horrible week we had and all the terrible things that happened along with a list of all the people and circumstances we blame. We then raise our glasses and drink ourselves to oblivion, only to do it all over again the following week. At the end of a month or 2, all the days become one big blur in our memory banks with nothing that stands out worthy of remembering.

This got me thinking that if we are not completely blissful and filled with joy, then why are we still doing the same thing everyday? I’m not saying that we need to wear a happy countenance 24/7, but if our workdays end each evening (or morning) with a sigh of relief followed by complaint and gossip about the people in our workplace, only to lament, “Oh man, can’t wait for vacation to happen,” then maybe it’s a sign that our lives need closer scrutiny.

There is a saying that if your work is something about which we are passionate and our workplace is what we’ve designed, then we wouldn’t be miserably thinking about our next time “away” because everyday would be enjoyable and become something to which we look forward. This is not to say taking time off to refuel and practice self-care is not necessary; but, how many times have we gone on vacation and witnessed individuals still working from their phones and/or laptops? The purpose of “time away” is not just about “body away” but more about “mind away.”

I’ve also had conversations with those who “like” or “tolerate” their work well enough, but in truth, dread work on a daily basis, believing that they have no choice and are bounded to whatever income or paycheck is coming to them from their 9 to 5 jobs or whatever businesses consume them and their lives. Their lives are then marked from Friday to Friday, from Friday to vacation. If we all lived this way, then we are not showing up thriving, but quite the opposite. We end up missing out on the beauty of the experience of simply being alive Monday through Thursday.

Over the years I can say that I’ve met a group of people who would give anything to get all those Mondays through Thursdays back. A significant part of my job is to attend various family meetings to discuss end-of-life issues with families of loved ones who are under hospice care. With very few exceptions, the dying patients have always divulged to me regretfully that if they could have more time, another chance at life, they would spend more time with their family and most importantly, doing more of what drove their real passion, be it travel, art, music, writing, or even candy-making. They’ve also regretted spending too much time and effort at work and being busy acquiring material items. You get where I’m going with this.

Again, it’s not to say that we shouldn’t possess materials or that we shouldn’t love our careers; after all, many of us deliberately followed our dreams to obtain the job of our desire. The take home is to “be ok without the materials” that they don’t complete us or define who we are. However, for the majority of us, “the job” still represents a means to an end, a way to earn a monetary living for ourselves and loved ones.

And, I get that. I know this life only too well. I think back now of how many times I should’ve just taken the time off to refill my pitcher and didn’t. How many times did I just want to quietly veg-out at home on a Friday night only to be told I was a “party pooper” if I didn’t go out and complain like everyone else?

As time went on, I began to realize that I didn’t want my job to be all-consuming or to rehash the past week’s misery; the more we talk about something the more it stays with us. Not only that—the more we keep complaining about what we dislike, what we find annoying or irritating, the more events of the same show up at our doorstep. I also knew that the more I obsessed with specific thoughts, the more they stayed with me, and the more of the same would follow and haunt my very existence.

So, initially with some effort on my part, I’d sit quietly with my eyes closed and began filling my mind with everything and everyone for which and whom I was grateful. I allowed even thoughts and images I found unpleasant come up and be seen, remembering that what we resist persists. Soon, everything that represented misery to me began to fade into the deep background of nothingness in my mind and as more aspects of my life about which I was grateful grew, the more synchronicities presented themselves to me.

Eventually, I began to feel the energy around me change and as that happened, things that used to interest me fell by the wayside and so individuals connected to those activities also rather disappeared from view by themselves without any effort on my part. When this started to take momentum, unexpectedly new people would approach me from all walks of life, individuals who had the same interests and passions in life that I now had. They had somehow found me.

I discovered that the more things showed up aligning with where my life was going, the more other similar things also showed up. Everything just magically worked out and came together smoothly as if I had planned for years. Weirdly, it felt as if someone or some force of energy was watching and guiding me with my decisions. Whenever there was resistance on my part, something would push me forward as if someone was leaving me bread crumbs to follow the path that was meant for me. Basically, my old story died over and over again during every change of direction I made in my life.

In looking back probably as far back as 3 years ago, I could see hints of the universe motioning me to make changes in my life but the signs were vague at best regarding direction. Although I felt this restlessness, I began sitting in silence more and more, allowing my mind to clear enough to see what would unfold, despite the fact that I was very comfortable in my comfort zone, had my little daily routine going from the time I got up in the morning to the time I turned in for the evening, and I knew what I had to do each day for years. My life seemed good enough.

One day, I read that if nothing changes in your life then you are regressing because the world will always advance without you. And then, you die never to have experienced something different, something new. While I thought the comfort zone was wonderful and seemed to give me peace, the interesting thing was that every part of me felt restless, too. I began wondering why I was bothered by this. Then, I asked,

“Is this all that there is in my life? Is there nothing else at all?”

Once I started asking that question, I began a focused daily routine of getting my hands on as much material on personal growth as I could. Much of the education also directed my attention to deepening my meditative practice to gain access to my purpose in this life. Once passion and purpose are in alignment, our existence becomes one of peace and bliss. Worry comes from fear. Anger comes from fear. The feeling that we are less or have less than the next person stems from our inability to see the completeness of ourselves.

We are constantly driven to comparison; but no matter how much fame or material things we acquire, there will always be that deep sense of emptiness that tears away at us like a never-ending hunger that cannot be satisfied. Someone will always be richer than you, healthier than you, thinner than you, smarter than you, better looking than you and younger than you.

Those who are unable to see their own wholeness and how much power they each have are reasons why there is so much unhappiness in most people and bitterness against others when they judge and label others as “doing better than we are.” Once we realize we are more than what we think we are and have more than what we think we have, we begin to let go of that fear and love begins to fill us up. The “M” word gets us there—meditation.

Whenever we allow ourselves to sit calmly and in stillness and permit decompression, letting the mind do its thing, to take its sweet old time to clear and quiet itself, without even the urge to force it, the mind and heart open themselves to welcome the flow of thoughts, feelings and ideas we wouldn’t have received during our frustrated, envious state. These new ideas allow for mental, physical and spiritual growth as we live out this life on earth.

The most common questions asked are,

”When am I going to find the time to sit quietly?”

“When so much is happening around me, how is sitting still going to help me?”

”When I’m looking at all my obligations, how can I quiet my mind?”

”I’ve tried many times to sit and clear my mind, but nothing works. When can I expect answers to come to me as you say?”

What most don’t realize is that even if you avoided sleep, stayed up late, and racked your brain to find the answer or solution because you’re so worried, realize that you still won’t get the answer. And, even if you do, any answer you get won’t be the right one, especially one made in haste. The noise has to clear for the right answer to be heard.

Also, sitting in stillness does not involve force or expectation. You cannot say that you’ll sit for this amount of time and try to clear your thoughts or get upset when you don’t. The mind clears when it clears. The answers come to you whenever they are supposed to, when you don’t expect them. When you’re anxiously waiting nothing shows up. The anxiety is created by mental chatter from the egoic brain telling you to worry and anticipate a dismal future.

Practice getting out of the mind every moment you can by setting timers throughout the day to practice a few minutes of gratitude. Science has already shown evidence that our brain is wired for negativity and so rewiring the brain for positivity takes constant and regular bombardment of intentional thoughts that create a more positive outcome in the present time. Eventually, the brain automatically goes that way effortlessly.

As for me, when the restlessness started, I started to look at my comfort zone as a place that needed re-evaluation. To find my direction, I had to set clearer goals but not specific to a place or person. My goals we’re connected to work about which I was passionate, using my knowledge of healing with my original medical education to help people live better. I journaled that wherever I am it had to be a location where I am needed most. I journaled further that I preferred to be near water and that wherever I end up, I would be able to continue writing and to move forward with that. I added an intention to travel more and become an avid learner.

Then, everyday either once or twice a day and for various times (usually 30 to 60 minutes or more), I just sat comfortably still with my eyes closed either on a chair or sofa and just let it happen whatever that would be. If I received answers, great. If not, that’s ok, too. Maybe it wasn’t the right time. That’s the attitude you have to have when you practice quiet meditation.

There are other types of meditations such as the manifestation types, in which you meditate for something to actually happen. These can be effective but must be approached cautiously. The pitfall can involve bringing yourself into a feeling of “lack” which is why manifestation techniques are used. You feel that you don’t have whatever it is you want and so you wish for it, but you trick the mind by acting and feeling as if you already have it. This can be a challenge to do and requires practice and a certain mindset. You have to have a very strong imagination.

In the past month, I have exerted little effort in producing my present outcome of relocation after 22 wars of living in and enjoying my comfort zone. Everything just naturally fell into place regarding every detail. It was as if my mom, bless her soul, and all of my guardian angels from childhood facilitated this move.

If this is true, then it is no wonder the way was cleared for my travel. If no one could ever get the upper hand with Mom while she was living, no one would be able to change her plans now. It feels surreal at times when I check in with myself. Everyday I ask myself,

”How did this all begin? Is this real?”

I cannot even remember the first catalytic steps other than what I’ve journaled and how I’ve meditated for almost one year. I just know that my purpose is to move forward and see what unfolds and to remember that life is nothing more than a journey. There is only the path. It is never about the destination but the whole adventure “getting there.”

It is about learning new things, meeting new people, doing things differently, and perhaps learning more about who I am, and broadening my purpose while I’m here. Srikumar Rao teaches that it is always about the process, the things you do daily that is true to your heart that count the most. Whenever you solely focus on the destination, once you reach it, you’re already looking at the next place to be. A few months ago, I ran into something Robin Sharma said. To paraphrase,

”Don’t keep your eye so firmly fixed on the mountain top that you trip over the rocks in front of you on the way up.”

On Wednesday of this week, I met up with old friends, a couple with 2 girls whom I’ve missed very much. They used to live where I lived in the desert and so it was good to meet up again. I told her about how I didn’t even know I how got onto this path and how would I know this would be the right decision.

She shared with me how her family had moved many times but that each time it was as if someone or something told her to do it. She believed that we are always watched and guided by some unseen higher power and to trust in that. When you follow such guidance everything just lines up perfectly and everything just miraculously works out. She believed that every change we make in our lives large or small is meant to help us grow through learning.

So, I’m going to trust the nature and direction of my path, see what unfolds and trust that many will be on this journey with me, protecting me along the way. I will remember to enjoy the journey while keeping the destination in my pocket for safe-keeping. I have made peace with my egoic brain that although there will be a huge death to our old story, it will continue to thrive with me. Can’t wait to see what will emerge.

I wish you all fantastic journeys!

Reminders:

1) Journal your gratitudes

2) Sit quietly everyday at least once for 30 to 60 minutes

3) Write down your dreams

4) Release all expectations and judgments

5) Release all labels, emotions and reactions

6) There are no good or bad things, only what your egoic mind labels

7) Things are only terrible once you call them as such

8) Rise above playing victim and avoid blaming others for your misfortune. Whenever we feel we are leading a miserable existence, it is because of all the choices we made. We must own up to them.

Thank you for reading. If you found this article insightful, please feel free to share with others. Until next week, keep journaling and meditating!

With love and gratitude,

Celeste Amaya, MD