Physician Healer
Today I saw a patient who has been with me since 2006 for her weekly Meridian healing therapy (accessing acupuncture endpoints while performing guided meditation), and before I started, I asked her about something she wrote on her feedback form from last week’s session.
“I feel cheated.”
Although she has been my patient for over 15 years, she only began her spiritual journey with me 3 years ago when she attended my Saturday morning meditation clinics. At the time, she was not participating in our weekly Meridian therapy sessions; but as she started to implement a daily meditation practice and reported to the group her amazing weekly transformations, it seemed as if this was all she needed.
On one of the Saturdays, she had shared with the group that morning something so unexpectedly personal—the specifics of a tragedy that were never divulged even to me after all these years. Her daughter, who at the time was a successful high-level executive, had taken her own life. This would’ve been about 2 years before she became a patient in my practice. All of us in the group were shocked and speechless. No one uttered a word during what seemed like an eternal stretch of silence.
Up until that Saturday, which was her 5th meditation clinic, she explained that she had avoided speaking her name since her death as it was simply too painful to think about. But, during the week prior, she felt brave enough one day to call out her name for the first time and while once she dreaded the sound, she discovered that this time, her name surrounded her with love and brought her a sense of peace and joy. She felt a deep moment of sheer beauty. No words, she said, were adequate to describe the feeling that came over her. She felt a sense of profound relief as a significant heaviness was lifted. And so, she continued to do well until last spring when the COVID-19 restrictions hit.
Her chronic restless legs and bladder symptoms went full throttle and each week, she’d progressively get worse. She had seen every specialist, had every test and was visibly frustrated that she could not experience any degree of physical comfort. What was wrong? Were we missing something? She decided to pursue a final evaluation with one last specialist and the same set of tests were accomplished only to result in the same conclusion—no definitive diagnosis was found to explain the root of her problems.
At this point I asked her if she had been faithful with her meditative practice. She said no. I asked why. She said she just didn’t have time and then she just didn’t think about it; and she thought that since she had been feeling better, that was her cue to stop. But, as time went on and her symptoms seemed to have no end, she became increasingly despondent. Where not long ago her eyes glistened with the brightness of the promise of peaceful joy associated with her daughter’s name, her eyes now gave away to despair and defeat. Soon after, her symptoms escalated to the point that she required hospitalization.
This became her wake-up call. After her hospital discharge, she promised herself to be diligent with her daily quiet sitting, as well as her weekly Meridian therapy with me. Within 2 weeks, she reported being happier again, this time feeling mentally energetic and motivated despite her awareness of her underlying chronic medical issues. This reinforced my belief that the true nature of our being is not defined by our medical diagnoses but rather our innate desire to feel peace, love and joy no matter what.
Her peace, however, was short-lived even though she had been meditating everyday and came for her Meridian session weekly. She just couldn’t shake the lingering melancholy that permeated her very being and admitted that she was missing her daughter increasingly so, even more than usual. Her bitterness culminated in her cry that she felt cheated out of having more time with her daughter.
It broke my heart to see her face today completely expressionless and defeated. I walked towards her and approached her gently,
”You wrote that you felt cheated. Why do you feel that? Is it because you expected to have more time with her? Who do you blame as being responsible for your feeling cheated? What would you say if I told you that she didn’t mean to disappoint you. I suspect she was dealing with her own demons. If anything, perhaps she disappointed your expectations. But, we only have expectations when we believe we can control some outcome. I realized several years ago that the only thing I can control is how I feel right this moment, that I can feel my heartbeat, my breathing, and grateful that I’m alive right now. I can choose to be aware of my existence and look out the window this very moment and tell you what I see, what I hear. My awareness of everything going on ‘right now’ cannot occupy the same space as my thoughts of the past. That belongs to the egoic part of the mind, that bodyguard we’ve hired that keeps attempting to convince us that there’s some fire we must put out and that all we are now is just not enough.”
She became pensive. I then went on.
”Last year you said that for the first time saying her name brought you a deep sense of peace and joy, and then the other day you told me that you were mentally more energetic than you’ve been in years. You experienced both positive events with the knowledge that your daughter was not present. Those glimpses are who you really are, the true state of being, the you capable of feeling whole and complete. I am certainly not denying the tragedy. I am only asking if you now see that your peace is not contingent upon the existence of your daughter?”
Suddenly at that moment my own light came on, as well, as I, too, had lost family members and close friends, intimately recalling how devastating each event was for me and how I had struggled with whom to blame as I tried to overcome my own pain and grief. Our egoic brain convinces us that we do not deserve to be happier, more peaceful or to feel more love for fear of its own death in the process. As I reminded her, I was also reminding myself, that we cannot guarantee that we won’t be tricked by our ego into boarding that train to nowhere, but we can use these tools we’ve learned to catch what’s happening sooner, pull the cord and step off.
Many of us, if we are lucky, will experience brief moments of clarity from time to time, when we feel a deep sense of joy, peace and love in the setting of tragedy and trauma. Part of the reason may be that we feel we do not deserve to be joyful most of the time or perhaps we feel guilty. How many times have we had those moments of peace and contentment only to be asked by those around us, “So, why are you so happy today?!” As if it were a sin to be anything other than miserable. Eckhart Tolle, a spiritual instructor, talks extensively about these 3 states of being in ‘The Power of Now.’ Rest assured that we have not been afflicted with amnesia nor have we mysteriously forgotten our traumas. However, societal norms and influence almost guilt us into believing that we are supposed to feel stressed, depressed, upset, and anxious 24/7 because that is what’s “normal” and what everyone expects so that anything else that is just irresponsible and unrealistic.
I concluded today’s visit with the hope that I reached her. I shared with her some of my secrets in dealing with unpleasant egoic emotions. For example, as soon as I feel anything other than peaceful, I immediately ask out loud who is making trouble, even though I know it’s my bodyguard, the ego. I graciously invite it to sit with me and listen to me point out all the things I’m noticing right this minute, first pointing out my heartbeat, then my breathing, and then how grateful I am to be alive. Without fail, after my ranting and raving, I look around to find I’m alone again, feeling each time, that I’m more than enough and more than complete. And, I am grateful for everything and for nothing at all.
Relieved that she wasn’t angry with my presentation, I reassured her that she was not and will never be the only one in her struggles. We all have our demons to contend with. The key is to not beat ourselves up for being taken for a ride by our ego. It is incredibly clever, ever fearful, worried, frustrated, angry, sad, and bored when we are at peace with ourselves.
I’ve realized that over time, it takes a lot of regular practice to insure we have more time being happy, joyful and peaceful. Much has been written that feelings of guilt are all part of the illusion our ego has created telling us that the present moment is just not good enough.
Transformational task: By now, you should have 2 weeks of journal entries listing 5 to 10 gratitudes at least once, preferably twice a day, including documenting how many times during each day you remembered to check in with yourself in the present time and pay attention to how you are feeling and what’s around you. Remember to write down what changes you or others have observed in yourself and perhaps in the people around you.
But, don’t beat yourself up if you haven’t notice any significant changes yet. If you’re committed to doing this work, you will inevitably change, as well as the world around you. For those of you who feel comfortable enough with the task so far, I offer you 2 additional suggestions:
1) Add any dreams you may remember as soon as you wake up in the morning. Dreams can sometimes be sources of insight. The tone and content of the dreams can also change as you become more aware during your waking hours.
2) Write down what one new “next-step” you could include tomorrow that would move your life forward.
Always remember to have patience. As a reminder, it takes approximately 2 months and a week for any new habit to be installed as part of your daily routine. The process of staying in the A game is in no way easy, but if you stick with it, it is well worth the ride. You will find that the rewards are endless and the experience life-changing.
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See you next week!
Celeste Amaya, MD