Physician Healer

Issue 13 Authenticity

Authenticity

What does it really mean to be authentic? Who are we really? Are we what we are doing now or what we want to do instead? Are we how we behave in front of others or how we are when we are by ourselves? How are we showing up in the world? Remembering to be genuine in our life’s journey is most important when we are trying to navigate our purpose. When we put ourselves out there whether it is in front of strangers or familiars, is that the “real” us? I often reflect upon the meaning of this word. So much of our states of being—peace, love, and joy—depend on our ability to be our truest self. What does it really mean to be yourself? Most of who we are today is shaped by our circumstances, the people who raised us, the individuals with whom we hang around, and the consequences of decisions we make. Influenced by how we wish others to see us, we are sometimes called upon to assume the role of chameleons.

Last week I talked about my mom, growing up with her and my dad and doing my best everyday to understand them better, why they did what they did and why they believed what they believed. It took me a long time to understand that they were doing the best that they could with what they were given whether we are referring to their exposure to receiving life lessons by their parents who were jaded by their ancestors or all that they had to deal with on their own.

I believe that our authentic self comes from just this internal “being.” It is said that if we wish to know more about who we are, we need to take time to sit with ourselves in stillness and silence, unadulterated by the comments, criticisms and opinions of how others see us or want to see us. Being ourselves in the truest form does not allow comparison to be our downfall or how we measure up against others. We not only allow those closest to us to do this but we also are guilty of doing this to ourselves.

I hadn’t reminisced about my childhood for a long time until last week. I remembered I was a bit of a people pleaser. It mattered to me what my parents thought of me. It mattered to me how my friends thought of me. I was what one would label a stereotypical “meek Asian girl.” Growing up in an Asian family, my parents expected unquestionable obedience. We moved around a lot when I was young child. I don’t really remember why. Maybe it was a change of job or something else. Before our last move to Pasadena, we lived in an apartment on Alpine Street in Chinatown.

My thoughts have gone back there a lot. I remember certain family activities with fondness like weekend mandatory naps in the afternoon and waking up to watch different TV family shows together. Those were happy times. Good times.

Then, I remember one year, my aunt (one of my mom’s older sisters) offered my mom a job as property manager of 2 shopping centers she owned. Although she knew nothing about managing property, she did an excellent job for a great many years. This coincided with our last and final relocation—to Pasadena.

My parents argued quite a bit and it was usually about money or the lack there of. After we moved to Pasadena (courtesy of my aunt), it became about why my dad decided to quit his job and retire early. He said he was tired of being treated as if he were a nobody at work, but what he wanted was to complete his Master’s degree in landscape design. His previous college major had been art. Anyway, they argued when we lived in Chinatown and they seemed to argue more after we moved to Pasadena.

I remember being proud of my dad wanting to go back to school to finish out his dream degree. Perhaps it was his attempt at being authentic. My mom was not as keen about all of that, but this was usually the case after my uncles or aunts would talk to my mom about doing better in the husband department. None of them thought my dad was good enough for her. My mom used to tell me that she chose my dad because he was the only one who didn’t chase after her.

Mom had a lot of wealthy suitors who came from respectable families. She had no interest in any of them. She used to say Dad was a good person, had a good heart and was honest. Her family felt he was too poor to be an appropriate match. In fact, the sister for whom she ended up working, wrote her a very long letter telling her why my dad was a bad idea and that if she went ahead with the marriage she would disown her. True to her word, my aunt didn’t communicate with my mom for decades.

My dad’s friends warned him to find a more simple girl and that my mom would be a handful. They felt she was privileged, arrogant and prissy. Obviously, he didn’t really care what they had to say. From all that I observed, though they were not very affectionate with each other, they loved each other in their own way. I guess they were also rebels in their own way.

I remembered my school years at Castelar Elementary in Chinatown and then Monterey Hills Elementary through high school in Pasadena. There was a particular 2nd grade teacher, Mrs Korn, who, in looking back, should not have taught at all. For reasons unknown, she used to pick on this poor boy Tom with the crew cut. She’d yell at him, call him stupid or dumb, just in general, names.

I spent much of my miserable year in that classroom confronting Korn (I was no longer meek), telling her to stop being mean to him. She’d then stick me in a corner for bad behavior. Tom was deathly afraid of her and did not speak much. He used to bring extra candy corn to share with me because I stood up for him and protected him. I used to walk to her desk up front in defiance when she’d tell me to sit down. One day she was so irritated with me that she got up from her chair, grabbed me and dragged me to my desk. She told my mom during their parent-teacher conference that I needed psychiatric help because I looked at her with eyes like a cat ready to pounce at her. Thank God my mom didn’t believe her. She actually told Korn that maybe there was something wrong with her that made her feel that way. Needless to say, I was not Korn’s favorite fan and that feeling I’m sure was mutual. I was glad to move to Pasadena at this point.

When I entered the 3rd grade, this was when I started to have really great teachers. They were inspiring because they believed in me and encouraged me. They were my advocates and to this day, I remember them—Mrs. Gehring, 3rd grade, Mrs. Evans, 8th grade German, and Mrs. Berlot, 9th grade Honors Gifted English. Mrs. Gehring used to tell my mom which students were bullying me and she would literally stop them on the playground. Mrs. Evans saw potential in me and arranged for advanced academic testing so that I could attend higher-leveled English classes. Getting into Mrs. Berlot’s class was a result of my testing. She used to encourage me to be brave and stand up for my rights.

Some days I think I know who I am and other days I’m still reinventing myself. During reflection, I realize that everyday I do show up as my authentic self. And, even this is a journey itself. I am ever changing on a daily basis, influenced by the people I meet, learning from every person and every event.

Life is not about winning or losing, succeeding or failing. It’s about whether or not we learned. An everyday tool I use to maintain my authenticity is to ask myself whether or not it is something I wish to do or say or if I’m just going along with it because I want to please others. One of the biggest sins is that of self-betrayal. Over time you lose your identity and your true purpose of existence.

Living a life of distraction also steers you away from finding and knowing who you really are. The more we tune into ourselves and find time to just sit quietly with ourselves in stillness, the clearer we become about who we really are and what we are capable of. Robin Sharma talks about avoiding or minimizing the daily common distractions of electronics, watching TV for immediate mindless gratification or too much social media or too much gossiping. He believes that there are no quick fixes or easy way outs.

Becoming authentic, I discovered, is a lifelong journey. It starts when you’re in the womb or maybe even before that and continues on throughout life. It is about experiencing every person, place, thing, animal, or nature everyday and seeing what sticks with you and how it changes you. It’s about embracing certain mental models of reality, modifying them and perhaps discarding them eventually. It’s about reality shaping you and vice versa.

Who we are is not the sum of our fears and worries, but the sum of our growth, our resilience and how much grit we have developed. When you get up in the morning, are you excited to start the day or do you barely roll out of bed lamenting how exhausted you are or how much work you have to do and not having enough time to do it? Do you take control of the day with intention or does the day take control of you and you become reactive in victimhood? I suggest leading the mind out of complaint and into gratitude.

One of my instructors said that the next time we say how bored we are, know that it isn’t the situation that is boring but that WE are boring. Or, we’ve made decisions that result in boredom. Lately, I’ve begun more introspective work, discovering the things that I like and the things that I don’t particularly care about. Life is short in the whole scheme of things, so I try not to waste it on routine and repetitive activities from which I do not grow or improve.

Try not to stay in the past for there is no movement here. This room feeds you regret, sadness and disappointment. The future has not moved yet and is dependent upon what you intend to do “right now.” Eckhart Tolle talks about the present time as being the only time there is. The “now” is just this space with endless possibilities. It’s where all the action is.

For me, being authentic is about working on what I’m passionate about to serve as many individuals as I can. It’s about doing what I want, not what everyone else wants; besides, the majority of people out there don’t really know what they want. Many are guided by the illusion of what they think they want and then they sell you their bill of goods. It’s about acting on my beliefs as to how the universe works and to be ok with ridicule because others don’t understand. It is not my responsibility to make others understand. It is said that if you’re not ridiculed or laughed at, you are just status quo and haven’t done big things.

I am asked over and over how do we find out about what we want. It’s a feeling that comes from the heart space not from the mind busy strategizing. This feeling becomes clearer when there is not that much noise or clutter. The noise and clutter can only be removed with regular meditation. It is the only tool that quiets what is between our ears.

Last week, after further reflection and contemplation about my life’s experiences, I released my resistance to being like my parents. It is ok that my mom was the way she was and my dad is the way he is and that they influenced and shaped me. I am grateful. It is ok that all my teachers I labeled as bad or good played a role in my life. I am grateful. It is ok to make plans and goals that did not work out. I learned that control is an illusion and that it never was and never is about the destination but about the process, the journey itself. I am truly grateful for even the things that have yet to happen.

I am ok with all of it. I am here, aware of this moment, right now. I am authentic.

Transformational tools:

1) To help you make the right decision, ask yourself the question and give yourself 5 seconds. Whatever answer you give within 5 seconds is the right one. If you do not have an answer then let time pass and repeat.

2) As soon as you wake up in the morning, before you get out of bed, open up the spine by lying flat on your back and swing and cross one leg over the other, hold for 5 seconds and do the same with the other leg. Use caution if you have back issues and consult with your regular physician.

3) Consider doing a 15-20 minute work out as soon as you get out of bed in the morning, anything that moves your body and causes you to sweat. Neuroscience evidence indicates production of Neurotrophic Brain Derived Factor which is responsible for neuroplasticity and repairing brain damage from stress.

4) Remember to journal at least 10 gratitudes a day and take a moment to feel them. Write down new things you’ve noticed that have been really good in your life. There is evidence that journaling is an invaluable tool to rewire negativity in the brain.

5) Learn something new everyday. You could read, listen to a podcast or watch a video. The brain is like a muscle and requires stimulation to avoid loss of memory and cognition.

6) Always make time to sit still in meditation and quiet reflection for at least 45-60 min or more a day. A Harvard study in 2011 showed that meditation increased brain matter in the prefrontal cortex.

As always, thank you for reading. If you found this article meaningful, feel free to share. Let me know if you have questions. For more information check out www.desertmeridian.com. See you next time!

Celeste Amaya, MD